Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. During the winter of 2024, I REALLY struggled. It had been 12 years since Cassie passed away and for the most part my grief process was pretty classic, all 5 stages according to Kubler-Ross. Denial. Bargaining. Anger. Depression. Acceptance. Not necessarily in that order and definitely not just once.
The first year or so was horrible, deep, painful sadness. Of course, there were plenty of joyful moments, but honestly, they were fleeting (or I was faking it). The first few months it was complete shock (and we were very prepared for her death). It took months (ok years) to not imagine Cassie bounding in the backdoor, laundry in a sack yelling “I’m Hoo-ome!!” I spent a lot of time alone, journaling, reading, praying and crying. I never felt stuck in my grief and it really never felt out of control. I was able to offer myself and my love for Cassie up to God and that gave me peace. Life moved forward. Our family grew and we continued to share stories about Cassie.
Early on, I did have dreams with Cassie in them. Some were very vivid, when I could feel her, they seemed real. Others had her in them but she wasn’t “talking to me”, only in the background. I could also feel her during the day, I often talked out loud to her as if she was in the room. When I drove her car, I patted the seat next to me just like I’d pat her leg when we drove to oncology appointments. There were “signs” too, you know, those unexplainable events that have you convinced that the butterfly, license plate, 11:11 on the clock, bird, squirrel, whatever the sign, it was from her and meant for me. Every dream or sign made me feel connected to her.
Then 2024 rang in and I realized she hadn’t been in my dreams for years. I didn’t “feel her.” I couldn’t hear her voice, or smell her scent. That realization shook me…It was a long cold winter.
I looked at pictures and they only jogged the memory of that moment, not a part of the story the picture didn’t capture. I could listen to a recording of her voice, but I already had those words memorized. I couldn’t add her voice to things I knew she’d say. I couldn’t picture her interacting with her nieces and nephew if she were alive to love on them like she did her little cousins. For the first time, It felt like she was gone…just gone and that was HARD.
Definitely a part of grief I was unprepared for and nothing anyone had ever talked with me about before.
I knew it was swallowing me whole so I scheduled my first therapy appointment in a while. I can’t say that talking though it made a difference in the way I felt but it was nice to share a part of my grief in a safe place, where someone just listened without having the same emotions I did. Spring came early in 2024, the sunshine, long walks and plenty of conversations with God had me feeling ok with not being ok.
Then came 2025 and preparing for the CHSCF Gala. I was digging through my saved emails for something and came upon an email sent to Cassie and I in my “keep forever” folder.
It was from Camp Mak-A-Dream and sent while Cassie was in hospice. The summer prior to her death, she was asked to be part of their newest marketing video. The official promotional piece wasn’t finished yet but they sent a few clips so Cassie could see it. I don’t remember showing it to her and I don’t remember saving the email.
God has a way of putting things in front of you in His timing.
I watched the clips, shared the email with Chris and the kids and sent it along to MVP Collaborative, our amazing partners that have created all our video content. My thought was, maybe we could use some of the footage to create a video for the gala highlighting Cassie’s love for life and her time spent at a young adult cancer camp. Kevin and the folks at MVP took it one step further, they reached out to Camp Mak-A-Dream and asked for all the footage with Cassie in it from that project. It never occurred to me there would be hours of footage…but the pros knew that!
By the Grace of God, the person with access to the footage from 14 years ago is still working with Mak-A-Dream and still had the footage in his archives. MVP combed through hours of footage to create a beautiful three minute video capturing Cassie’s sparkle, laughter and love for life. (The rest of the footage is amazing too)
This gift was exactly what this momma needed, to hear her voice again. To hear that giggle. To hear her say things I have not heard before. To watch her almost twirl her ear while she talked. To hear her ask for a hug when she was scared. To hear her story from her lens (that’s all in the unpublished footage). When Cassie was alive, our phones couldn’t capture video so there is very little that’s not on a VHS tape that desperately needs to be edited to make it watchable.
My heart is full.
What could this mean for you? I’m sure there is someone out there that would love to see the picture or video you have on your phone of a person they are missing. If you’re scrolling and come upon it…don’t wonder if you should send it to them. SEND IT. They want to see what you see. They want to know you’re still thinking of them. They want to see a picture they’ve never seen before. Even more, they’d love the story behind the picture. I realize I’m speaking for others but I doubt I’m wrong.
Our loved ones remain alive as long as we are still sharing memories.
Peace, Love and Kayak,
Karen
